Your parents Racism, trigger events
It's crazy to think how the Oprah interview with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (Harry and Megan) would TRIGGER such terrible emotions and deep wounds that took years to overcome (still not fully overcome) from a relationship that ended over 20 years ago. The pain that I dealt with and the belittling feeling I had was thrown in my face with the force of getting hit by a ton of bricks after hearing that interview.
But Hey, time heals wounds, RIGHT? Life goes on until some sort of triggering event takes place. The Oprah interview with the former Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan and the issues that they face with racism and their children was my trigger.
“There were “concerns and conversations about how dark his skin might be when he’s born” from members of the royal family, Meghan said to a flabbergasted Oprah early on in the two-hour interview. “
Boom all sorts of painful emotions flooded my thoughts. The feelings of not being acceptable to your parents because the color of my skin. Your mother was so disappointed with the idea of of us having children. She said something like this to you, “if you were to have children they would be brown.” I remember when you told me this and how disappointed the both of us were.
If I only had the knowledge of how the racial rejection would effect me especially after we broke up I could have avoided all of this feeling of having little worth after everything was done. In the real I probably would have taken the same exact path. At that time I was tired of others dictating my life and not having my interests involved. Who's to say maybe things might have been different if I confronted your parents on what they said and their beliefs. Imagine if it was current time and they got called out for this, how different things would be. They might not have even said anything considering the scorn they could feel since we live in a “woke” time of life. Even if they didn't say anything we both know how they would feel. They would be disgusted with having brown grandchildren.
Besides opening up the door for a lack of self worth another issue that was never finished was closure. I was never able to get the closure I deserved or answers to some serious questions that I needed. So without those answers from you and the strange points you said about our relationship the few times we spoke after I moved to Orange County, I was broken.
It was extremely difficult to deal with the fact that because of my skin color it wasn't acceptable to date their daughter. What a powerful reason not to like a person. Color overrides the quality of a person, what they could provide for a person, how they will treat a person. No time to find out about a person if they don't have the same color skin as the person they want to be with. Regardless if I wasn't good or if I didn't treat you right I was never given these opportunities before negative judgment was placed upon me for no wrong doing on my end but just because the color of my skin.
What I didn't understand is why you were so angry with me? What did I do wrong? Why would you lash out at me when I brought up the fact of how demoralizing it was that your parents wouldn't accept me just because the color of my skin.
After I moved back to Orange County my life sucked. Not only did I lose my significant other but I wasn't even allowed to talk to you, my best friend. It killed me and I wonder how you could cut me out like this, or why you would cut me out like this? You didn't even talk to me you just cut me out. Then some 6 months later you contact me and act like nothing happened. It hurt me to call you but I had questions that needed answers. I thought I would be getting to ask those questions but the few conversations we had went in a different direction and what you said was hurtful.
One of the first questions I wanted to ask you was why you lashed out at me when right after we broke up I was telling you how much it hurt me how your parents felt about me and how I was completely ignored by them except for the random insults. Your response was getting mad at me and saying something like, “I just got my relationship back with my parents and you are trying to make it bad again”
It was amazing how defensive you were with this. The whole time we were dating I told you not to be mad at your parents for what they said and how they felt about me. I wanted you to be good with your parents I never spoke ill about them. I was telling you how hollow they made me feel. You twisted this in a direction and tried to say I was attempting to wreck your relationship with your parents. That didn't make any sense and I had no desire to argue with you other than stating how I never did this.
One of the 2 times we talked on the phone you started talking about our relationship and you said it was a phase. You dating the drug dealer phase. When you said that it really hurt and it wasn't true. Yes I did sell a decent amount of weed in the the day but that was prior to us even dating. I also threw raves as well and work at a restaurant. So I would hardly say you dated a “drug dealer”. It hurt to hear that but looking back I could only come up with the conclusion it was part of the way of downplaying me as nothing to avoid the truth about your parents manipulation to lessen the guilt. Now for the hell of it lets entertain the idea I was just a phase in your life. How does that make you look? So you had a phase that was 5 years that you dated the drug dealer guy. Is this part of the looking cool vibe. Later in life you can look back and say I was cool I use to date a drug dealer. Should really be I dated someone who sold weed. What does that say about you? How shallow. What other phases did you date in your life? Did you have the politician phase, or the hippy phase what about the BDSM phase?
Back to Denver: Prior to my move there you told me that I wasn't allowed to move there or your parents wouldn't allow you to make that move. So everything we planned would have been out the window except I was already enrolled in classes in Denver and your parents don't have that much control over this relationship. (Little did I know how much control they really had) I get it now they were willing to give you anything as long as you were not dating me. Everything made sense. So I moved there without you knowing and when you found out you were not happy about this but that quickly changed. You just needed to not let your folks find out.
There could be twists here about me but the real is what I stated. The idea of their daughter having brown children would have been the end of the world. I find it amusing how worldly you say your father is and all his middle eastern friends yet they wouldn't be good enough to be with his daughter because the color of their skin.
You were really upset with your parents and even with all of this I took the high road. I told you not to be mad at them. As much as it hurt me at that point I did a good job of hiding it. There would be times I would wonder what I could do to get your parents to like me. I don't know what I thought like that because there was nothing I could do for them to like the fact that their daughter was with someone who wasn't Caucasian.
So there we were in Denver, you lived at your sisters place and I lived in that dump apartment. You came over ever day and went to your sisters every night. We were both in school and working going on with life and moving forward.
At that time you were telling me you were not getting along with your sister. Both of you were getting irritated. You decide to move in with me. You tell your sister and parents that you rented a place on your own and you are moving.
I'm actually grateful that I watched the Oprah interview and it re-opened the humiliation that I housed for years. Not actually for the humiliation but breaking everything down and seeing how you played the whole situation to gain all these rewards from your parents by showing them a lie and bailing out on us. I wonder if they offered you stuff to end our relationship in subtle ways so they wouldn't look racist. If you are offended by me using the term racist with your parents get over it because you know they are.
Back to the issues: So they know we are both living together because I answered the phone when they called by mistake. Yes I finally admit it to you, I lied and told you I never did. The only thing I did was answer and hang up because I saw their name on caller ID. I would say pretty good 1 time in about 7 months.
So the relationship is crumbling and yes they have a lot to do with it. I seriously doubt things would have gone the way they did without their meddling. You are tired of living in the dump, your parents offer to pay your rent for you to move out but I am not allowed to live there. This is right around the time you tell me that you don't love me. Nice move tell me you don't love me, move out but still stay with me.
Then comes Christmas. Your parents are in town you spend it at your sister and her husbands place and your parents. Nice I'm not invited but why would I, you don't love me and they have no desire to see me so what's the point?
Why did you drag me through all of this, what was your point? Why didn't you just break up with me? You didn't love me and you moved out. I know you didn't think these were going to change with us considering you are now under your parents money wing and getting whatever you wanted. You weren't going to ruin that by having me around yet you still don't break up with me, why?
See I had to tell you I'm done. I never wanted to end it but why would I want to be subjected to all this rejection?
You even admitted how wrong it was what I was going through then I brought up how Christmas really hurt and you flipped on my saying “ How dare you talk about my parents that way when I just got my relationship back with them” I couldn't believe you were saying such bullshit when I wasn't telling you anything that wasn't true. I had always told you not to be mad at your parents and you try to use this as an excuse for what?
My last question:
When I moved what was up with your aggression towards me? You completely cut me off. I heard from mutual friends you talking shit on me. Why was that when I had nothing bad to say about you yes you just cut me off completely.
Then 6 months later you reach out to me saying it's okay to communicate now. Why was that because you were lonely, felt guilty? Well that's when you pulled the old “dating a drug dealer line but now I'm just repeating myself so I will be done with it.
So there is no way that I wasn't perfect while we were together. I'm sure you could come up with some issues if you can remember them but this wasn't about that. It was about your parents racism and how it just tore us apart and you used that to get whatever you wanted from them. In the end you your actions made their racism acceptable.
Maybe that's why you cut me off because if I was in those shoes I would feel guilty as fuck. I would never be in those shoes though.